Jokes
Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields.
The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease
is
really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard
it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The other cow replied, "Hell, I ain't worried, it
won't affect
us ducks."
A guy goes to the psychiatrist and tells him that he thinks
he is a dog. The shrink says, “Hm… very interesting.
Please lie on the coutch so we can further explore this
problem” The guy replies "I'm not allowed on the
couch".
Two rules for life: 1. Don’t tell people everything
you know. 2. ...
A man walks into a supermarket and buys the following:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single frozen dinner
The checkout girl looks at him, smiles, and says, "Single,
huh?"
The guy smiles sheepishly and replies, "How'd you
guess?"
She says, "Because you're ugly."
A couple of Texas hunters are out in the woods when one
of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing,
his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips
out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator,
"My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator,
in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it esay.
I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
...There is silence, then a shot is heard...
The hunter says, "OK, now what?"
I graduated college with a Bachelor's degree in philosophy
and was shocked to discover that none of the big Philosophy
companies were hiring.
It seems that a man was brought to criminal court for the murder of his wife.
*Judge:* "Sir, you have been brought before me and stand accussed
of killing your wife." "What do you have to say in your defense?"
*Man:* "Well your Honor, I came home early and found my wife in bed with my best friend and I shot her." "Thats all I have to say."
*Judge:* "I see nothing in the transcript that mentions what happened
to your best friend, would you please tell me what happened with
him."
*Man:* " Well your Honor, I pointed my finger at him and said
BAD DOG, BAD DOG."
_________________________________________________
Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he
motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all
through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by
my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health
started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asks gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
re-arrange the following words into a well known phrase or
saying
OFF FUCK
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE
SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It
is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE
CITY!
The "gift" is disguised
as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It tends
to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned.
DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that
is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd
of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children.
If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT!
Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it
by the beach.
FORWARD THIS MESSAGE
TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
Grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change
things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide
the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because
they pissed me off.
Last night I made the worst Freudian slip. I meant to say,
"Mom, please pass the mashed potatoes." Instead
I said, "You stupid bitch, you ruined my life."
Guy is troubled. Thought he'd been making progress with his
analyst the last eight years. Then the guy said one thing
that made him question the whole experience. "No
hablo ingles."
Banker becomes a cop, enjoys job where the customer is
always wrong.
Guy calls discount phone sex provider. "But what about
my needs?"
Steve Wright
You know
how it is when you're reading a book and falling
asleep, you're
reading, reading... And
all of a sudden you
notice your eyes
are closed? I'm
like that all the time.
Right now I'm having
amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I
think I've
forgotten this before.
If you're not
part of the solution, you're part of the
precipitate.
When I was a little
kid we had a sand box.
It was a quicksand
box. I was an only child... Eventually.
Woman reading "World's Greatest Penises" My
name is Tonto Ginzburg.
A man decided to kill his wife by having a lot of sex with
her. Pretty soon this beaming, robust woman shows up, followed
by a wizened little man with a cane. He whispers to a friend,
"She doesn't know it yet, but she has only two weeks
to live."
Like teaching a pig to sing. Very frustrating. And not
much fun for the pig either.
"The theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are
composed entirely of lost airline luggage." --Mark
Russell
Joke from Forbes. Einstein
dies, goes to heaven, meets three archangels, asks their
IQ. "182,"
the first replies. "We
can discuss my theory of relativity," says Einstein.
"153," says the next.
"Ah, we can talk about how to achieve world
peace," says Einstein.
"89," says the third.
"What do you think the economy's going to do
in the short term?" asks Einstein. [The last could be shifted to slam any
group, not just economists.]
A New York tailor has an audience with the Pope. His friends all ask what his holiness was like.
"He's a 46 Regular."
The pig joke: "Great pig like that, you can't eat him
all at once."
Notre dame joke: Don't
know his name but his face sure rings a bell. (Dead ringer
for his brother)
"I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun
you."
What do you need if you have three lawyers up to their necks
in cement? more
cement.
God invented woman because he couldn't teach sheep to
type.
What would Princess Grace be doing if she were alive
today?
Scratching
on the lid of her coffin!
What is the difference between your sister and a Rolls
Royce?
Most people have never been inside a Rolls!
How do you say "fuck You" in Yiddish?
Trust me.
Q: How many New
Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None of your
fucking business.
Q: How many programmers
does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It's
a hardware problem.
Q: How many PR
flacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I'll get back
to you on that.
What do you get
when you put an epileptic in a lettuce field??
A Seizure Salad.
Fifty percent
of everything is below average.
A duck goes into
a pharmacy and says, ``I`d like to buy a condom.``
The clerk says,
``Certainly, shall I put it on your bill?``
The duck says,
``What kind of a duck do you think I am?``
Bumper Sticker
on back of converted van:
"Don't laugh.
Your daughter is in here."
Best platform for running Oracle: a 35 mm Kodak slide
projector.
Charlie Brown shoots the arrow, then draws the target
around it. Same as managers talking about ROI targets.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count
and those who can't.
Man in purgatory asks for a preview of heaven and hell. Hell
looks like a swinging party, heaven's a little slow, with
Muzak. Guy chooses hell but it turns out it's hot, no fun.
"God, this isn't like what I saw before." God
replies, "Oh, that was just the demo."
(Also, use for before and after the sale)
Q: What did Dan Quayle say to his daughter
when she came home pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's yours?"
Why did Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
She needed the other hand to moan.
Did you hear about the musician who won $3 million in the lottery? He called his wife and said: I
just won the fuckin lottery!!
Wife: That's
great!! Incredible !! Fantastic!!
Musician: Well pack your bags...
Wife: Gee that's soooo great!!! Where are we going?
Musician: I don't really care, just be gone by
the time I get there!
Marx brothers:
"I'd horsewhip
you if I had a horse"
"We should drill
a hole in your head and let the sap run out"
"I've a mind to
join a club and beat you over the head with it"
"I refuse to join
any club that would have someone like me for a member"
"We should send
him back to his father and brothers who are waiting for
him with open arms in the penitentiary"
Guy is to make his first parachute jump. He's told to hop out
of the plane, count to 10, pull the rip cord. Try to hit
the target. Trucks will pick him up and take him back to
camp. He breaks a bootlace tying his boots. Then he hops
from the plane. He counts to ten and pulls the cord. Nothing
happens. "Oh, shit," he thinks. "With my
luck, the damned trucks won't be there to pick me up either."
Woman with duck enters a bar. "Where'd you get the pig?"
"It's not a pig, it's a duck.""I wasn't talking
to you."
What has 75 balls and screws little old ladies? Bingo.
From Calvin and Hobbes... "Nothing I do is my fault. My
family is dysfunctional and my parents won't empower me!
Consequently, I'm not self-actualized. My behavior is addictive
functioning on a disease process of toxic codependency!
I need holistic healing and wellness before I'll accept
any responsbility for my actions!"--Calvin "One
of us needs to stick his head in a bucket of ice water."--Hobbes
"I love the culture of victimhood."--Calvin
"He's a lesbian trapped in a man's body; figure *that*
out."
The MALE LESBIANS say, "We fuck with categories."
Picasso wasn't
born in a day
All the lemmings
are going home to roost
Before they made
him they broke the mold
Don't count your
chickens until the barn door is closed
Don't just stand
there like a sitting duck
Don't make a
molehill out of a can of beans
Don't make a
tempest out of a teapot
He doesn't know
which side his head is buttered on
He has feet of
molasses
He smokes like
a fish
He's as happy
as a pig at high tide
History is just
a repetition of the past
I'll procrastinate
when I get around to it
If Calvin Coolidge
were alive today, he'd turn over in his grave
It fills a well-needed
gap
It's a new high
in lows
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