Current Jokes

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

The new hire calls in sick on Monday. And then the next Monday. And then the Monday after that.

His boss calls him into his office. “Do you plan on being sick every Monday? What the hell is going on?”

The guy explains that every Monday he has to drop off his kids at his sister’s house. She always gives him a cup of coffee. She sends the kids into the backyard. Her robe falls open revealing her luscious breasts. They spend the rest of the day making passionate love.

“That’s sick,” says the boss.

“Well, I told you I was sick,” replies the new hire.

Once upon a time, two brooms fell in love and decided to get married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom informed the groom broom that she was expecting a little whiskbroom. The groom broom was aghast!

"How is this possible?" he asked. "We've never swept together!

What do you get when you run over a parakeet with a lawnmower? Shredded tweet.

Not too long ago a scientist tried to clone himself. However, his clone was very obnoxious and lewd, while the scientist was well received and respected. Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw his clone off the roof of the laboratory; killing the clone. He was arrested by the local police for... making an obscene clone fall.

Three statisticians are out hunting when they see a deer. The first guy shoots and misses, ten feet to the left. The second guy shoots and also misses, ten feet to the right. The third statistician starts jumping up and down flailing his arms wildly, screaming, "We got him! We got him!"

A guy finds a lamp, rubs it, and a genie appears. The genie offers the guy three wishes. The guy says, "I want to be fabulously wealthy." Poof, there is money everywhere around, he is fabulously wealthy. The genie asks about the second wish, and the guy says, "I want a cold beer that never goes dry." Poof, there is a beer in his hand, and sure enough, he drinks and drinks and it doesn't go dry. The genie asks about the third wish, and the guy says, "I'll have another one of these."

Not-so-current Jokes

A while back, I was speeding along the empty interstate at about 5 AM when an object darted into the road ahead of me. I didn't have time to swerve,but luckily just grazed it as I went by. It made a noise that sounded very much like an "oink.".

I pulled over, got off the bike and walked back to the spot. There, in the middle of the road, was a giant spotted pig, lying on its side. I looked around, but there was nobody within sight to render assistance. As I knelt down to see if it was seriously injured, it opened its eyes, staggered to its feet, and trotted back in the direction from which it had come. I checked the bike, found no damage, and continued on my way.

Three weeks later I received a letter from the clerk of the circuit court. Opening it, I found a summons. Reading the summons, I found that I was being charging with striking livestock with a motor vehicle and leaving the scene of an accident.

I took the summons to my attorney. He read it, and shook his head gravely. "You're in real trouble on this one," he said. "But it was 5 AM and there was nobody else around! How did they even find out about this?" I asked. He looked me in the eye, shook his head, and replied, "The pig must have squealed."


The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned. DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children.

If you have  already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.

The release of Windows 2000 will be delayed until the first quarter of 1901.


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