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As a senior citizen was driving down
the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's
voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news
that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds
of them!"
The new hire calls in sick on Monday. And then the next Monday.
And then the Monday after that.
His boss calls him into his office. “Do you plan on being
sick every Monday? What the hell is going on?”
The guy explains that every Monday he has to drop off his
kids at his sister’s house. She always gives him a cup of
coffee. She sends the kids into the backyard. Her robe falls
open revealing her luscious breasts. They spend the rest of
the day making passionate love.
“That’s sick,” says the boss.
“Well, I told you I was sick,” replies the new hire.
Once upon a time, two brooms fell in love and decided to get married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom informed the groom broom that she was expecting a little whiskbroom. The groom broom was aghast!
"How is this possible?" he asked. "We've never swept together!
What do you get when you run over a parakeet with a lawnmower?
Shredded tweet.
Not too long ago a scientist tried to clone himself. However,
his clone was very obnoxious and lewd, while the scientist
was well received and respected. Finally fed up with his experiment
gone wrong, he threw his clone off the roof of the laboratory;
killing the clone. He was arrested by the local police for...
making an obscene clone fall.
Three statisticians are out hunting
when they see a deer. The first guy shoots and misses, ten
feet to the left. The second guy shoots and also misses, ten
feet to the right. The third statistician starts jumping up
and down flailing his arms wildly, screaming, "We got him!
We got him!"
A guy finds a lamp, rubs it, and a genie appears. The genie
offers the guy three wishes. The guy says, "I want to be fabulously
wealthy." Poof, there is money everywhere around, he is fabulously
wealthy. The genie asks about the second wish, and the guy
says, "I want a cold beer that never goes dry." Poof, there
is a beer in his hand, and sure enough, he drinks and drinks
and it doesn't go dry. The genie asks about the third wish,
and the guy says, "I'll have another one of these."
Not-so-current Jokes
A while back, I was speeding along
the empty interstate at about 5 AM when an object darted into
the road ahead of me. I didn't have time to swerve,but luckily
just grazed it as I went by. It made a noise that sounded
very much like an "oink.".
I pulled over, got off the bike and
walked back to the spot. There, in the middle of the road,
was a giant spotted pig, lying on its side. I looked around,
but there was nobody within sight to render assistance. As
I knelt down to see if it was seriously injured, it opened
its eyes, staggered to its feet, and trotted back in the direction
from which it had come. I checked the bike, found no damage,
and continued on my way.
Three weeks later I received a letter
from the clerk of the circuit court. Opening it, I found a
summons. Reading the summons, I found that I was being charging
with striking livestock with a motor vehicle and leaving the
scene of an accident.
I took the summons to my attorney.
He read it, and shook his head gravely. "You're in real trouble
on this one," he said. "But it was 5 AM and there was nobody
else around! How did they even find out about this?" I asked.
He looked me in the eye, shook his head, and replied, "The
pig must have squealed."
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